Creating Effective and Meaningful Relationships

Society can be described as a web of relationships, which requires groups and individuals to collaborate and contribute to the achievement of a common goal. Relationships, where cooperation and respect are displayed, can make society (home, family, work, sport and play) a better place. This can only be achieved through effective and efficient relationships.

We are social beings and our well-being greatly depends on our ability to maintain meaningful relationships. It’s very unlikely that anyone can succeed by themselves.  On one hand, relationships of all kinds can be very delicate and require extra effort to maintain. On the other, a relationship can also be something that provides security and can be long lasting despite many challenges.

Building effective and lasting relationships is a necessity for several reasons. In both group or personal relationships, the success of those involved depends on how efficient and effective they interact with one another. It does not matter whether this involves marriages, family, work, or friends.

Understanding the other group or persons' feeling and position creates the foundation of an effective and efficient relationship. One of the best approaches to understanding what is important to another individual is to ask them what they want and listen to what they say. When the other person recognizes this, they would feel the importance given to them.

Effective and efficient relationships require us to openly express our feelings and positions on all matters relevant to the discussion. Assuming others understand our needs and give us what we need without asking for it is not a good approach to developing a good relationship. Spouses, friends, co-workers and/or managers don’t have a crystal ball to know what’s going on inside our head. Good relationships are built on honesty and transparency.

Respect is the key to a relationship.

To create an effective relationship, individuals must treat each other with respect.  We can show respect by listening to the other group or person and by trying sincerely to understand what they believe. You can also show respect to others by confirming that they add value and their point of view is are important to the process.

The opposite of respect is making judgments based on unfounded facts and prejudice. We must be mindful not to pass judgment based on our own experiences or perceptions. This is where empathy becomes important because we must be able to see the situation from the other person’s point of view.

Respect is a key step in building a great relationship. This means respecting yourself and respecting others. In most cases, the respect one gives is the respect one is most likely to receive.

Another key area in forming an effective relationship is to confront differences with others head-on. Differences between groups or people are quite interesting. For example, in a conversation where each group or person listens to the other, you often observe that each comes from a different perspective. The challenge is to find a way to work through these differences.

Work towards a win-win solution for both sides.

This can be done when at least one group or person acknowledges that the relationship is important. It requires them to exert more time, effort and energy to understand the other's needs and deal with it.  Should they fail, it will be gratifying to know that at least they tried.

Effectively listening and no pre-judging. This is important if groups and individuals are to understand each other.

Informal conversations are helpful for groups and individuals seeking to find common ground. This allows them to openly discuss underlying issues and concerns. They also tend to feel more relaxed making them think more clearly.

Create an atmosphere where the groups or individuals can express their feelings when they need to. If not, they will never be able to move beyond the surface conversations. This age of political correctness has a way of stifling a meaningful conversation of different perspectives. I always appreciated how my father and a co-worker (white) could openly discuss their views on race relations and continued to maintain a meaningful friendship. They didn’t always agree or attempt to change the others point of view.

When people fail to express whatever is on their mind or feelings, it can get in the way of building an effective relationship.

Groups and people should be mindful that certain things exist naturally but should be controlled in any dealings in any relationship.  Human nature is one. Some of the factors that impede relationship building is embedded in a history of stereotyping or mistrust, blaming the other person or group for a strained relationship, excluding the other groups or person’s feelings when focusing on a task, no clear and defined objectives, and roles and expectations of others in the relationship is unclear.

Effective relationships are important to living a balanced life. Resolving issues and problems right away is a must to further improve our relationships. We need others to reach our full potential. As they say, 'No man (person) is an Island'.

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Be an Optimist in This Time of Pessimism: Change Your Point of View

"Two men (people) look out through the same window: One sees the mud, and one sees the stars."- Frederick Langbridge, A Cluster of Quiet Thoughts

If you finish second place for a sought-after position, will you jump for joy and retool for a better outcome the next time or will you be discouraged and find an excuse not to pursue another position in the future?

In life, we are always faced with choices. We can opt to have a pessimist's view and live a self-defeated life or we can decide to take the optimist's point of view and live a challenging and fulfilling life. We must refuse to be defeated no matter the circumstance.

So why adopt an optimist's point of view? And why now at this stage of life?

Optimism has been linked to positive mood and good morale; to academic, athletic, military, occupational and political success; to popularity; to good health and even to long life and self-determination to best one can be.

We live in a time when the state of depression and pessimism is at an all-time high. The media feeds us a daily dose of doom and gloom which contributes to the pessimistic mindset. I recall coming to the train stop on the way to work the morning after the last presidential election, you would have thought the world was coming to an end. People were in a state of gloom as if their hopes, dreams and aspirations depended on who became president. Unfortunately, many still feel that way.

Here's how optimists are in action and research that back up why it pays to be an optimist:

Optimists tend to get the best out of life because they expect the best.

The defining characteristic of pessimists is that they tend to believe the worst, which will last a long time and undermine everything they do. They have very little belief in their ability to take control of the situation.

Optimists are challenged with the same hard knocks of this world. What differs is the way they explain their setbacks ---it's the opposite way. They tend to believe defeat is just a temporary setback, that its impact is limited and doesn't control their ultimate success. 

Optimists prefer to focus on and plan for the 'problem' at hand. They have a way of reframing the issue. In other words, they often turn a negative experience into an opportunity to help them learn and grow. These kinds of people are unfazed by bad situations, they view it is a challenge and understand they will have to work harder.

Optimists are very much in tune with the conversations they have with themselves and others. You are unlikely to hear them say "things will never get better," "If I failed once, it will happen again" and "It's over, my whole world is lost."

A positive mindset lead optimist to expect the best when faced with new situations, unforeseen tragedies and unlikely turn of events. It doesn't mean they have all the answers or won't fall short. If they fall, they simply pick themselves up. They see opportunities instead of obstacles.

People respond positively to optimists.

Optimists are proactive and less dependent on others for their happiness. They don't have a need to be validated by others. Also, they find no need to control or manipulate people. They have a way of drawing people towards them. Their optimistic view of the world can be contagious and influence those they are with.

Optimism seems a positive influence be it at home, work or play. Those who share optimism are generally accepted while those who spread gloom, panic, and uncertainty are shied away from.

Remember back in high school, the optimistic people were often the most popular; got voted most congenial and sought for information. At work, they tend to be the people given the best assignments and promotional opportunities.

When the going gets tough, optimists find a way to make it happen. They won't allow any situation to hold them back. They are not afraid to pursue the unknown.

Choose wisely your partner in battle.

Optimists typically maintain higher levels of personal well-being during times of stress than do people who are less optimistic. In contrast, pessimists are likely to react to stressful events by denying that they exist or by avoiding dealing with problems. Pessimists are more likely to quit trying when difficulties arise because they can't see a way out. Optimist realizes it's going to be a tough battle and commit to keeping on fighting even when the end results are uncertain.

They persevere. They just don't give up easily, they are also known for their patience. Inching their way, a step closer to that goal or elusive dream.

Optimists tend to be healthier and live longer.

Medical research has justified that simple pleasures and a positive outlook can cause a significant increase in the body's ability to fight disease.

Optimists' health is unusually good. They age well, finding themselves much more likely to be free from medical problems as they get older. And they tend to live longer than those prone to negative thoughts.

Like everybody else, you are bound to hit lows sometimes and make mistakes but don't just stay there. Pick yourself up from the mud and improve your chances of getting back on the right track. Let your actions inspire others to remove their dark-colored glasses and see life on the bright side.

Look forward to success in all your endeavors. Be resilient in all you do.

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The Impact of a Positive Attitude

I am going to ask you to do several things before reading further into this article. First, I want you to listen to your thoughts and then make a note of what thoughts fill your head? Would you label them as positive, or negative? Now let's say you are walking down the street with these thoughts. Do you think anyone who would meet you would be able to tell you what’s on your mind?

The answer to number one is up to you. But, the answer to number two can be somewhat broad. Although people will not be able to tell you exactly what you think, they will have some sense of your feelings and your emotions.

Here's another question. When you enter an environment filled with friends, do they all fall silent as if something terrible had happened? Or does everybody there perk up as if waiting for something exciting to happen? I must say for me my friends usually liven up when I walk into the room or their homes. No matter what is going on in life, its best to stay positive in the presence of others. Who wants to be a part of some pity party in which they had nothing to do with or may not be able to change?

You know what? The answer to all these depends on your frame of mind.

Thoughts are very powerful. They affect your overall attitude. The attitude you carry reflects on your appearance, too – unless, of course, you are mindful of your thinking. You must make the effort to control your thoughts and not allow them to control you.

Your attitude can also affect people around you. The vibes you give out is usually what comes back to you. Your outward display of frustration, sadness, anger, rudeness has a way of dictating how others respond to you. On the other hand, a display of happiness, high energy, joy, and can-do attitude can also make a difference.  With a positive attitude, you will be in a better position to control the outcome of your encounter with others.

The type of attitude you carry depends on you. It can be either positive or negative.

Positive thoughts have a big effect. They are somewhat stimulating. Plus, the people around the person carrying positive thoughts are usually energized by this type of attitude.  If you are married, a parent, or manager at work, it’s very important to be constantly aware of your thoughts and attitude daily.  Your thoughts and attitude will have a direct impact on your ability to establish effective relationships with your spouse, children, and co-workers. You want to create an environment that is warm, energized and uplifting that inspires them to be their best.

Negative thoughts, on the other hand, have a sapping effect on other people. Aside from making you look gloomy and sad, negative thoughts can turn a festive gathering into a funeral wake. Don’t we all know people like this, even ourselves if we don’t remain conscious of our thoughts? Unfortunately, negative thoughts can overtake us before we know it. If you’re like me, we must constantly empty the trash can of negative thoughts.

A positive attitude attracts people, while a negative attitude repels them. People tend to shy away from those who carry a negative attitude. I am certain you have heard the saying that “you attract more flies with honey than vinegar”. Same principles apply here.

We can also define attitude as the way of looking at the world. If you choose to focus on the negative things in the world, you tend to have a negative attitude brewing up. However, if you choose to focus on the positive things, you are more likely carry a positive attitude. I am amazed at the negative view that many people have of the world. If you listen to them nothing is going right. Everything is gloom and doom based on a few negative events or past experiences they have been unable to shake off. From my perspective, there is far more positive going on than negative. Make a habit of looking at the world through positive lens.

You have much to gain from a very positive attitude. For one, studies have shown that a positive attitude promotes better health. Those with this kind of attitude also have more friends. projecting a positive attitude also helps one to handle stress and problems better than those who have a negative attitude.

A positive attitude begins with a healthy self-image. If you love the way you are and are satisfied, confident, and self-assured, you tend to make others around you feel the same way. How and where you see your self will dictate your interactions with others. You must first appreciate you to appreciate others. Don’t allow anyone to deter you from having a positive self-image.

A negative attitude, on the other hand, has, of course, an opposite effect. So, carrying a negative attitude has a twofold drawback. You feel bad about yourself, and you make others feel the same way.

If you want to have a positive attitude, you must feature healthy thoughts. This is somewhat hard to do nowadays since, all around us, the media feeds us nothing but negative thoughts. A study shows that for every 14 things a parent says to his or her child, only one is positive. This is truly a saddening thought. However, these are actions that can be controlled if we are mindful of actions. For instance, turn the tv off and refuse to watch or listen to those negative media stories over and over again. Make it a habit to say positive things to your children and others around you throughout the day.

If you want a better outlook in life, you need to think happy thoughts, and you should hear positive things as well. So, what can you do? Well, for starters, you could see a funny movie, you could play with children, spend some time telling jokes with friends. Also, listen to positive music and podcasts that uplift your well-being. All these activities fill you with positive stimuli, which in turn promotes a positive attitude.

Although it is impossible to keep ourselves from the negative things around us, you can still carry a positive attitude by focusing on the good things, the positive things in life. There is always a positive lesson to be learned from every negative situation. Your challenge is to ask the question of “What is the lesson to be learned here?”.

Your positive attitude can also be of benefit to other people. Sometimes when other people feel down, the thing people mostly do is try to give them advice when we really don’t have an answer. But sometimes, all they need is somebody to sit by them and listen to them. If you have a positive attitude you may be able to cheer them up without even having to say anything. 

If having a positive attitude is so great, why do people choose to adopt a negative attitude instead? They call it life and it changes just like the four seasons. There will be both joy and pain, happiness and sadness, and laughter and anger throughout this journey. They are just opposite side of the coins and we must learn to master both.  There is nothing wrong with feeling sad, angry, or gloomy. But dwelling on these thoughts for far too long is non-productive. I agree there is a time to mourn, but then let it go and move on.  I know it’s easier said than done for some of us.

When immersed in troubles, even in your darkest hour, focus on the good things in life, you will maintain a sense of hope. For example, if you are experiencing the loss of a loved one or friend, focus your thoughts on the best of times. Relive the positive experiences in your mind to offset the current negative thoughts of dealing with a loss. Problems become something you can overcome.

You have much to gain by adopting a healthy, positive attitude. Studies show that such an attitude slows down the aging process, makes you healthier, enables you to better handle stress, and has a very positive effect on the people within your circle of influence. So, what's not to like about a positive attitude? Adopt one today.

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Life is About Choices and the Decisions We Make →

Life is full of different roads. There are long and short roads; smooth and rocky roads; crooked and straight paths. Many roads will come our way as we travel through life. There are roads that lead to fame and fortune on one hand or isolation and poverty on the other. There are also roads to happiness as there are roads to sadness, roads towards victory and joy, and roads leading to defeat and disappointment.  Unfortunately, there is no certainty on whichever road we travel.  It tends to unfold like a mystery. 

Just like any road, there are corners, detours, and crossroads in life. Perhaps the most confusing road that you will encounter is a crossroad. With four directions to choose from and with limited knowledge on where they would go, which road will you take? What is the guarantee that we will choose the right one along the way? Would you take any road, or just stay where you are: in front of a crossroad?

There are no guarantees.

You do not really know where a road will lead you until you take it. There are no guarantees. This is one of the most important things you need to realize about life. Nobody said that choosing to do the right thing all the time will always lead you to happiness. Loving someone with all your heart does not guarantee that it will be returned. Nope. Don't you remember the first heartbreak in elementary school?  According to the American Psychological Association, the marriage divorce rate is 40-50 percent in the United States.   Gaining fame and fortune does not guarantee happiness. Prince and Michael Jackson lives were perfect examples of how fame and fortune don't always lead to happiness. Getting a good letter of recommendation from an influential person to speed up your trip up the career ladder is not always bad, especially if you are highly qualified and competent.  There are too many possible outcomes, which you really cannot control. The only thing you have power over is the decisions that you will make, and how you will act and respond to different situations.

Wrong decisions are always revealed in hindsight.

Had you known that you were making a wrong decision, would you have gone along with it? Perhaps not, why would you choose a certain path when you know it would get you lost? Why make a certain decision if you know from the very beginning that it is not the right one? For instance, who would you have married the person they did knowing that it would end in a bitter divorce? It is usually only after we have decided and reflected on it that we realize its lack of soundness. If the consequences or outcomes are good for you, then you have decided correctly. Otherwise, if our decision was wrong, we must be prepared to endure the consequences.

Take the risk: decide.

You can't go through life playing it safe and expect to get somewhere.  Since life offers no guarantee and you will never know that your decision will be wrong until you have made it, then you might as well take the risk and decide. It is better than attempting to straddle the fence. Although it is true that one wrong turn could get you lost, it could also be that such a turn could be an opportunity for an experience of a lifetime, leading to unforeseen opportunities.  For instance, I took the chance of mailing in an Army ROTC marketing card from a magazine and it resulted in a full three-year scholarship and my being able to pursue my educational goal of earning a doctoral degree only having to pay $150 and not having to take out a student loan.  It is all a matter of perspective. You have the choice between being a lost wanderer or an accidental tourist of life.  But take caution that you do not make decisions carelessly. Taking risks is not about being careless and stupid. Here are some pointers that could help you choose the best option when confronted with life’s crossroads:

·        Get as much information as you can about your situation.

You cannot find the confidence to decide when you know so little about what you are faced with. Just like any good news reporter, ask the 5 W’s: what, who, when, where, and why. What is the situation? Who are the people involved? When did this happen? Where is this leading? Why are you in this situation? These are just some of the possible questions to ask to know more about your situation. This is important because the fear of the unknown can paralyze us. Other times, the reason for indecision is the lack of information about a situation.

·        Identify and create options.

Every situation comes with a set of options. What options do the situation give you? Sometimes the options are few, but sometimes they are numerous. But what do you do when you think that the situation offers no options? This is the time that you create your own. Here is where you must rely on your creative mind. From the most simplistic to the most complicated, entertain all ideas. Do not shoot anything down when an idea comes to your head. Sometimes the most outrageous idea could prove to be the right one in the end. You can ask a friend to help you identify options and even make more options if you encounter some difficulty, but the ultimate decision is up to you in the end.

·        Weigh the pros and cons of every option.

Assess each option by looking at the advantages and disadvantages it offers you. In this way, you get more insights into the possible outcome of each option.

·        Trust yourself and make that decision.

Now that you have assessed your options, it is now time to trust yourself. Remember that there are no guarantees and wrong decisions are always in hindsight.  So, choose… decide… believe that you are choosing the best available option at this point in time.

Once you have made a decision, be ready to face its consequences: good and bad. It may take you to a place of promise or to a land of problems. But the important thing is that you have chosen to live your life instead of remaining a bystander or a rear seat passenger to your own life. Whether it is the right decision or not, only time can tell. But do not second guess your decision whatever the outcome. Instead, learn from it and remember that you always have the chance to make a better decision in the future. Live with knowing you made the best available decision at the time based on available information. 

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When at work or involved with other organizations, do you get frustrated because things don't seem to be getting accomplished as you would like them to be? You see staff, fellow members, or co-workers busy as can be but nothing is being done. And in the daily hustle and bustle, do you feel that your goals remain just that – goals. Then maybe it’s time for you to stand up and do something about it.

Most people are content just to stand around waiting to be told what to do. Very few will show and take initiative on their own. It’s so easy to adopt a follow-the-status quo mentality – go along to get along. But maybe, somewhere inside of you, you feel the desire to make things happen – to be the head, not the tail. Then maybe leadership just suits you fine.

Some people believe that leaders are made, not born. For whatever reason, they have the notion that people come from the womb prepared to take charge. Shame on you if you aren’t one of the chosen few. Yes, it may be true that some people are born with natural talents. However, without practice, without drive, without enthusiasm, and without experience, there can be no true development in leadership. For those who don’t agree with me, I dare you to lock up a new born child in a room for life and never allow them the opportunity to interact with other people. I promise their leadership skills will be none existent.

You must also remember that effective leaders are continually working and studying to improve their natural skills. This takes a commitment to constantly improve in whatever endeavor a person chooses. Leadership guru Warren Bennis says, “No leader sets out to be a leader. People set out to live their lives, expressing themselves fully. When that expression is of value, they become leaders.  So, the point is not to become a leader. The point is to become yourself, to use yourself completely – all your skills, gifts and energies – to make your vision a reality. You must withhold nothing. You, must, in sum, become the person you started out to be, and to enjoy the process of becoming.”

Next, let's define leadership. To be a leader, one must be able to influence others to accomplish a goal, or an objective. He/she contributes to the organization and building of a team.  John Maxwell states that being a great leader is all about having a genuine willingness and a true commitment to lead others to achieve a common vision and goals through positive influence. No leader can ever achieve anything great or long-lasting all alone. Teamwork goes hand in hand with leadership. Leadership is about people-and for people.

Contrary to what most people believe, leadership is not about power. It is not about harassing people or driving them using fear. It is about encouraging others towards the goal of the organization. It is about getting everyone playing from the same sheet of music and helping them see the big picture of the organization. The challenge is you must be a leader not a boss. Boss is a 19th century term which gives the impression that you know and can do all. That’s impossible in today’s organizations.

First, you must get people to follow you. How is this accomplished?

People follow others when they see a clear sense of purpose. People will only follow you if they see that you know where you are going. Remember that bumper sticker? The one that says, don't follow me, I'm lost too? The same holds true for leadership. If you yourself do not know where you're headed to, chances are people will not follow you at all.

You yourself must know the vision of the organization. Having a clear sense of organizational structure, knowing who the decision-makers are, who to talk to, the organization's goals and objectives, and how the organization works is the only way to show others you know what you are doing.

Being a leader is not about what you make others do. It's about who you are, what you know, and what you do. You reflect what your subordinates must be. I once worked for someone who didn’t measure my leadership ability while I was in the office, but by the effectiveness of my people when I was away. A good leader prepares his people to accept personal responsibility for the outcomes of the organization or department.

Studies have shown that another identification of good leadership is the trust and confidence your subordinates have of you. If they trust you they will go through hell and high water for you and for the organization.

Trust and confidence is built on good relationships, trustworthiness, and high ethics.

The way you deal with your people, and the relationships you build will lay the foundation for the strength of your staff. The stronger your relationship, the stronger their trust and confidence is in your capabilities.

Once you have their trust and confidence, you may now proceed to communicate the goals and objectives you are to undertake.

Communication is a very important key to good leadership. Without this you cannot be a good leader. The knowledge and technical expertise you have must be clearly imparted to other people.

Also, you cannot be an effective leader and unless you have good judgment. You must be able to assess situations, weigh the pros and cons of any decision, and actively seek out a solution.

It is this judgment that your subordinates will come to rely upon. Therefore, good decision-making is vital to the success of your organization.

Leaders are not do-it-all heroes. You should not claim to know everything, and you should not rely upon your skills alone. It’s not necessary that you be the smartest person in the room. Remember, why have a staff if you have all the answers and can do it all. Empower good people and get out of their way. They will let you know when they need your input.

You should recognize and take advantage of the skills and talents your subordinates have. Only when you come to this realization will you be able to work as one cohesive unit. Trust the process.

Being a leader takes a good deal of work and time. It is not learned overnight. Remember, also, that it is not about just you. It is about you and the people around you. Leadership is something that you never truly master because different people and situations require new strategies. What worked as a leader with one group of people today may cause you to fall flat on your face with another group tomorrow. We see it happening in organizations every day for people unable to alter their leadership strategies.

So, do you have the drive and the desire to make a difference? Do you have the desire to work cooperatively with other people? Then start now. Take your stand and be a leader today.

Visit www.mindpowersolutions.com to learn more about our personal development and training services.